The entire month of August has stolen the energy from Operation Flattening My Fat Ass and redirected it to Black Woman Down. The little elves that shovel coal into my central nervous system are on sabbatical. It’s not in me to set foot inside a gym, touch a salad, or attempt to wiggle into my skinny jeans. I have enough bars to create a me-shaped assvoid in the couch, but not enough to actually move from the couch to my bed. We’re in an energy crisis, people! I’m conserving.
I blame cable. And the incessant coverage of the Olympics. And the Democratic National Convention. This shit is on, like, ALL THE DAMN TIME. If it’s not the actual event, then it’s a dissection of the event. Or a Build-A-Bear, Ikea furniture-esque step by step construction of an upcoming event. Commentary on what happened, what should have happened, what didn’t happen, and what someone else has said about what did, should, or could have happened. An intelligent person would rely on a snippet from Good Morning, America, The Soup, or The Daily Show . But nooooooo. I cannot digest anything that hasn’t first been broken into smaller bits by Robin Roberts, Joel McHale and Jon Stewart.
Then it dawned on me that The DNC is like the Olympics. Only with suits instead of Speedos. I’m still sniffling into velvet couch cushions for complete strangers. Still riveted by the mini docudrama biographies. Michael and Barack raised by single mothers. Alicia and Joe missing their marks. Debbie and Michelle crying in the stands. Bill and Every Male Gymnast finding it hard to keep their junk in their pants.
So if my posts are limited this week; if I am late to work every day with my hair pulled back; makeup free with bloodshot eyes; muttering under my breath about what idiot premiered the DNC, Olympics, Project Runway, and Making The Band 4 at the same time,
Then you’ll know why.
UPDATE: I missed Bill Clinton’s speech last night because I was watching novice designers make clothes out of car parts. Thanks to YouTube, I was able to watch it at work. And I must confess… I feel the need to buy a blue dress, slap on some hooker-red lipstick, and tilt a beret over my hair.
“Bill and Every Male Gymnast finding it hard to keep their junk in their pants.” <– Bwahahahaha! I love it!
And I really miss TV. I get my fix of the world’s happenings (minus all the good trash) via NPR each morning. And I really miss the trash, man. Is there a new cycle of ANTM? And Project Runway?? AND Making the Band??? I sound like a total junkie about to relapse..
You had me until Making the Band 4. At least humor me by telling me that they are recreating Will.i.am’s Yes We Can,
The DNC is boring. Does anyone really think there will be any surprises?
and that my dear is precisely why i don’t have that fancy-smancy cable television stuff! rabbit ears viewing is a powerful couch ass ejector tool!
I have always loved Bill Clinton. And I have always secretly wanted him. So the beret is mine! I thought his speech was great. I was afraid he would say something that could be held against him at some point. But I dont think anyone could find fault with the speech. I have enjoyed the DNC much more than I enjoyed the Olympics. But I am also getting ready for TV to return to normal. I am a creature of habit – sad, I know. It limits me. LOL
lol. Monica might let you borrow her’s!
=D
boyfriend got pissed at me for watching too much TV and not going to the gym with him. Why doesn’t he understand?!?! Now I’m nervous for the fall TV premieres to start! What am I going to do if he tries to regulate my new TV premieres?!?!
I myself was quite a fan of Bill in the DNC. I also enjoyed Hillary- that’s some strength! Barack is here in Columbus, Ohio today!!! I’m thinking I might go.
Somehow this post put the mental image of everyone at the DNC attending in speedos rather than suits.
It’s not a pleasant thing.