Chris Rock Made Me Do It September 30, 2008

My quest for the ideal career has left me dog paddling in debt. The last 3 career ventures were stepping stones to my real career, meaning each paid less than the one before. My fingers are sore from pinching pennies, my mouth dry from salivating over things I can’t have.

Until the other day.

I had to take a break from denting my couch after the season premieres of, well, everything, and interact with unscripted, unbeautiful people. So I went to DSW to get some fresh air, move my legs, and feel pretty.

DSW, for me, is like a warm bottle of O Negative to Bill (that’s for you, Mouthybroad!). You may as well have strapped my debt to David Beckham and threw it into a gay bar. It’s just not safe. Now, when I say I am broke, it’s not like “Oh, my checking account balance is a little low. It’s a good thing I have that pot o’ gold stored my third house!” I’m broke like I get emails from Bank of America that read “C’mon, Jenn. Did you really need another $7 salad from the ‘healthy’ bar in the gym? . It’s not like their salads are prepared by Top Chef contestants.” But when you don’t have water, you get thirsty. When you’re under water, you hold your breath. My feet are waiting to exhale. So I new bought shoes. And today, I strutted around the office in my 1/2 size too large shoes of death. And stumbled a little walking a student to my office, where I had to choose between falling on my face and farting. Then karma sharted in its pants a little because it was laughing so hard.

Why do I tell this story? To soften the blow of yet another political rant.

You’re welcome.

I’ve mentioned before that I loves me some Chris Rock. But NEW Chris Rock. Chris Rock with a fascinating and an insightful world view. Chris Rock that said

I’m not talking about rich, I’m talking about wealth. Shaquille O’Neal is rich. The guy that signs his checks is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah’s money, he’d kill himself.

This weekend was the premiere of his new act, “Kill The Messenger“. With the current political atmosphere, I was sure he’d have another gritty perspective on the economy, Sarah Palin, foreclosures and such. Like his view on affirmative action-

America is a nation in the middle. A nation of B and C students. But let’s be real. A black “C” student can’t run a company. A black “C” student can’t even be the manager of Burger King. Meanwhile, the white “C” student just happens to be the president of the united states of america.

That’s effing funny.

So I caught him on Larry King and Letterman in anticipation of his new show. And he did not disappoint. Larry King asked him if he felt proud that a black man was running for president. Chris shot back with he is proud that a QUALIFIED black man is running, he wouldn’t have the same excitement if it were Flavor Flav. The thing I like most was he brought attention to the fact that the evil bloodsucking liberal media routinely approach white voters about why they are voting for Obama, and they cite all sorts of things about economy and change and whatnot. But no one asks black people. It’s an assumption that skin color is the sole basis of an entire race’s decision making process. As if the melanin in our bodies inhibits us from being invested in health care and foreign policy. Don’t bother giving us the ballot books that summarize propositions; just give us a piece of paper with a black dot and a white dot, and we’ll put our X in the proper place. Like good little brown people. Again, I’ve never claimed to be as educated as I need to be about all the issues, but I can tell when I’m being bamboozled and sticking a vagina in the mix isn’t going to confuse me. Especially if the vagina is an inarticulate ex-journalist who is incapable of naming news sources she reads to help her shape her politics. I get

Back to the funny. Here were my favorite moments from Chris Rock’s show:

-The day after election day, any activity in your life that involves black people is not going to get done. No one’s gonna picked up your bags at the airport.

-They’ve got pictures of Sarah Palin with a bloody moose. Michael Vick’s like “Why am I in jail? They let a white lady shoot a moose. A black man kills a dog and that’s a crime!”

- I don’t want a president with a bucket list.

-I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I don’t believe Bin Laden really existed. A 7 foot diabetic Muslim, lives in a cave like Dr. Evil. There’s no electricity, yet his camcorder is fully charged. Bin Laden did more movies last year than Samuel L. Jackson.

-Bush is not only the worst president ever, he’s theworst president of presidents, including leaders of your PTA and neighborhood block watches (paraphrased).

-The choice isn’t Republican or Democrat. The choice is you got a guy that’s worth $150 million with 12 houses against a guy who’s worth a million dollars with one house. The guy with one house really cares about losing a house, because he is homeless. The other guy can lose five houses and still got a bunch of houses. (from Larry King interview)

Then the show turned on me. It went from hard-hitting observations of race and politics in our country to amateur comedian jokes about blowjobs and black guys who have sex with white girls. Ick. All I got from it was a snappy title for today’s blog and a little bit of disappointment. So if you’re interested in hearing his witty slant on being black in the city, stick to “Never Scared“.