Either all my exes have found Jesus, they need kidneys, or they read in Maxim that contacting an ex around the holidays is a surefire way to get laid. Otherwise, I cannot explain why The Ex; who called me at 2am the night before his wedding and stood me up when we were supposed to have a friendly reunion 3 years ago; decided to text me this weekend:
The Ex: Hi! 
Me: Who is this?
The Ex: Dont remember? Im offended.
Me: Since I don’t know who u r, I don’t care that much.
The Ex: LOL. Remember the (hotel we stayed in on the fateful trip)?
Me: Very well…
The Ex: Well, then how have u been?
Me: Good-moved to Austin with The Hubster last year so i am freezing in TX now-and u?
Me: (4 and a half hours later) Haven’t heard from you before today- are u OK? family OK? U got me worried.
Ugh.
What I really wanted to text was, WHY do you still have my number? Why do you contact me out of the blue with no point? What exactly do you want?
And why do I care?
I mean, I realize I was freakin’ awesome in bed but nothing about me has changed so significantly to form the foundation of a viable new friendship. Plus, I don’t trust you, not even as a friend. I’ve seen who you are at your core, in an emergency, and I can’t rely on you. So there’s no point in keeping you in my life. For every good memory, every sweet gesture; there’s a punched hole in a wall, a slap of words that should never have formed in your mind much escaped your lips. You and I will never be youandi. In any sense of the word. Unless you are in trouble and have absolutely nowhere to turn, you don’t exist for me anymore.
And your dick is small.
