The day where I was not quite sure what side of the bread my husband prefers to have buttered.
(Lunch at Italian Buffet. Don’t judge me. I live in Texas. Anytime I can indulge in food that didn’t have horns before hit my plate, isn’t smothered in BBQ sauce, or is presented in some style of ’chicken fried’ ; I jump on it)
Gay Husband: Oh, LOOK at all the carbs…
Straight Husband: ….oooh, ham!
ME: I am going to have a major food baby after this.
Straight Husband: Yeah, it sucks being a chick.
ME: I JUST said that earlier today at work!
Gay Husband: You make this huge sacrifice of your body. You get stretch marks, your butt gets wide and flat, and then the guy wonders why you’re not all pumped about sex…
Straight Husband: …so we just leave you for a younger, hotter, chick whose stuff isn’t all stretched out.
(Shopping)
Gay Husband: That outfit is kah-yewt!
ME: (blank stare)
Straight Husband: What?
ME: You just called me outfit cute.
Straight Husband: Well, it is. Your boobs are totally coming out of that vest…
Gay Husband: …and like the way the jeans fit on you. Are those slim fit?
ME: (blank stare)
Straight Husband: What?
ME: I’d say you’ve been properly trained. I like shopping with you now! We can do whatever you want for the rest of the day!!
Straight Husband: Anything? Can I put it in your ass??*
ME: Um, no.
Gay Husband: Why don’t you try those shoes? They have zebra and snake print together.
ME: That’s just weird. When would a snake and a zebra ever hang out together?
Straight Husband: On those shoes.
*: a reference to my both my unfortunate accidental anal experience in college, and his irrational fear that engaging in such activity could result in a kernel of corn mysteriously appearing on the tip of his pee-pee.
(During football commercial)
Straight Husband: We are NOT watching Dietribe.
ME: You don’t even know what it’s about! It could be something cool.
Straight Husband: I can tell from the title it’s another stupid DIET show.
ME: What about the tribe part?
Straight Husband: It’s probably a diet show about Indians.
(Random discussion when he realizes the state of Texas has no interest in telecasting the USC game)
Gay Husband: I think I figured out why we may experience miscommunication in our approaches to sex.
Straight Husband: I didn’t really have to do anything to get sex I was single. I remember I was at this club and the girl was making it pretty clear that if I fed her, she’s put out, so I took her to Denny’s….
ME: DENNY’S? What, did the Jack In The Box 99 cent tacos not seem classy enough as a pre- one night stand meal?
Straight Husband: It was like 3:00am and it was the only thing open! And I was drunk. So the girl goes to the bathrooom and another girl is walking by my table. I was concentrating on her hips to stablize myself , but she thinks I am looking at her so she stops and says ‘You were looking at the cat weren’t you’-
ME: The CAT???
Straight Husband: I wasn’t but I said ‘Maybe’, so she gives me her number! Man, I had game back then.
Gay Husband: So, maybe that’s why I don’t get that it takes more than a pancake and a stare to get you going.
ME: I blame it on porn. It makes guys think all they gotta go is ring a doorbell and say ‘Did you order a pizza?’
Straight Husband: That reminds me of when I delivered pizzas….
Oh, that story is long and winding but confirms that my guy is certainly, concretely, indisputably straight.
ok. I’ve tried to come up a with a witty comment about all of this post.
my head just exploded because nothing will do the post honor.
Too funny. Write for SNL! Hubster too.
Man, I NEVER had that kind of game!
i’d probably be able to comment if i could stop laughing – hehehehehehe.
This is so funny. They all really have both sides, don’t they??
Corn, cats, etc. My mind can’t take it all in.
This sentence made me pee-pee:
“a reference to my both my unfortunate accidental anal experience in college, and his irrational fear that engaging in such activity could result in a kernel of corn mysteriously appearing on the tip of his pee-pee.”
Could your hub write one of these for you? It seems like every straight man has an inner gay man, but I’m not sure every straight woman does…
None of that seems particularly gay to me, but then I grew up during a time when it was standard for boys to get perms and iron a sharp crease into their jeans, so perhaps my perspective is skewed.
You are hilarious. As is the girl who referred to her hoo-hah as “the Cat”. (I know, glass houses…)